In search of fun

Even after all the fun and the partying every weekend you’re left to your  meandering thoughts that take you far away from your happy self.

I’ve been living in Bangalore for a little more than a couple of years now, haven’t got much to show for the experience though, it’s true I’ve met a bunch of neat people here, been on a couple of nice treks in the vicinity.

Switched a couple of different projects and even a job recently.
Have seen a few keen business people and some clueless bunch.

Got familiar with a couple of languages that I didn’t know before or didn’t know how they are used in large scales.

Been chasing some form of creative explosion that could raise my self-esteem. There were times back in college when I got to play with parsers and it was fun.  Hell, even back in school writing C code to swap values of variables was fun. Now, having gotten myself into a sysad trainee role, I’m not so sure about the fun part.

The other job we had some fun refactoring Zimbra code to do some SOAP stuff and grudgingly package it into a jar in eclipse.

It was refreshing to get SNMP to work and break LDAP and stuff that came with Zimbra. Opennms was fun, setting up your own Openfire at home was neat.

Hell, even the manual labor that we did with AbInitio was way better.   Here though, chasing mindlessly about rpms, compiling stuff from source, spending time writing scripts that I’ll never use again, worrying about traffic, these I can live with.   Being mostly clueless in the arts of administration with puppet and things and that my linux skills  teeters around writing scripts and glue code, I feel useless.

It’s not that I wasn’t feeling this way earlier, its just that these days I don’t see that level of camaraderie in the people I work with now. And this affects me.

There were days when most of us were clueless and collaboration was extreme, where one lacked the other pulled him up. In hindsight: those were good teams and good mentors, got things done even if it was just some enterprise stuff sans glamor, learnt a great deal.

Trying to level up amidst people of great technical prowess who’re short in other areas is proving to be just plain depressing, figuring out how to function as a team that respects and supports each other seems impossible in this divided environment.

All of this is aggravated when you lack the product knowledge.

There’s no fun in trying to install a service, read a blog about how it s built all the while not actually creating something neat, sure this could be my own fault, but I’m not creative enough to magic out solutions to a problem I can’t see.

Places where I see avenues to build something are growing lesser each day. People to bounch ideas off are getting scarcer at work. You have more exicting things to build with people outside work.

You lose sleep trying to do both things, you don’t care about what happens to the world around you, you don’t even go out for a walk. The backlog of things that you had planned to do is ever increasing.

Trying to keep up with these just leaves you frail in the end.

This chase gets tiring after sometime and you wonder is it worth it ?

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